There are parts of me that feel guilty because I often wonder, as Jay’s telling me about how X’s treatment toward her has altered her ability to engage in healthy relationships, where X is now. There’s a part of me that hates her for hurting Jay as badly as she did, but there’s an equally big part of me that hopes that she’s been able to get the help she needs. That’s in part because I hope there’s not another sad fucker wandering around Oklahoma who’s as hurt and abuse-ridden as Jay, but also because I can’t really imagine what kinds of internal demons this woman probably deals with on a regular basis.

 

But feeling this way feels like a betrayal of Jay’s trust. I’m worried to tell her that I think about X more often than I think I should. I’m worried to tell Jay that I hope X has been able to sort things out for herself because I know an abuser isn’t born but made. I’m worried to tell Jay that I think about how I was probably prescribed the same kinds of meds X has been on. And I’m worried to tell Jay that I have felt ways that made me want to hurt others in the ways that she’s hurt her. I’ve promised to help Jay feel safe in these places that make her sternum puncture her chest, and I’m worried that feeling this way toward X and her behavior won’t make that possible.

 

But I’m doing anything I can to remind Jay that I’m here for her. I don’t think I can promise her that I won’t ever hurt her, but I don’t think I can promise anyone that. But I can listen to her. I mean really just listen to her. Hear her tell those stories and remind Jay that what happened happened in the past. But not in that cheesy way that makes Jay feel like she’s not allowed to feel what she feels anymore because it happened so long ago. But I want her to know that I appreciate whenever she shares these stories and thoughts and feelings with me. I don’t always know how I can show how much these things mean to me, but I hope Jay feels it sometimes. I hope that Jay also continues to trust me with this story that she’s held onto for almost 7, maybe 8 years.

 

In the meantime, when we have to stop doing this hellish project, we will take it easy. We’ll hang out with Jay’s family, and play video games with each other, and sleep in, and eat bad cheap food, and fall asleep drunk, and watch the dogs play in the yard. When we need to stop, we can stop. We just need to remember what our limits are. We need to remember that this project is real and, while it can be easy to get swept up in the theory and methodology of it all, we need to remind ourselves that it happened to us. And we deserve to remove ourselves from it as much as we are forced to think of it every day.